Well, 2006 is coming to a merciful end. And it’s coming not a moment too soon. It was a long year. It was a disappointing year. It was a year of mistakes, misjudgments and missteps. And the end of the year was a culmination of all those bad things. Dear God let it be a culmination and not a continuation. I want 2007 to be different… very different.
I am tired. I am tired of feeling the same way. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of working so hard at making a life and not having anyone to share it with. I am tired of the disappointment. I am tired of the delusion.
I know what I want and I want someone who wants the same thing. OK, I lied. I don’t know what I want. I want someone who will know what I want for me. I want someone who will make me want what they want. I want someone the same as me, but different. I want someone who shares my interests, but who sparks new interests within me. I want someone who compliments who I am, but who changes me.
I want time spent together outdoors. I want walks in the parks. I want long walks in the park with someone. Better yet I want long walks in the park with someone and their dog(s). Even better, long walks in the park with someone and our dog(s). I want camping. I want paintball. I want white water rafting.
I want time spent together at home... my home, his home, our home. I want weekends at home sleeping late, watching TV and ordering in. I want to go to sleep in my California king with someone other than the pile of pillows next to me. I want to wake up and see someone’s face looking back at me. I want to wake in the middle of the night and hear, smell, feel, see someone there with me. I want a kiss to bookend my slumber. I want real kisses. I just want time spent together.
I want to cook again. I want to cook for someone again. I want someone to cook for me. I want weekends spent in intimate places. I want vacations spent together with memories built together. I want snapshots that remind us of vacations spent in intimate places together. When I am asked what I am doing this weekend, I want to be able to say “WE are spending our weekend… somewhere.”
I want honesty. I want respect. I want equality. I want conversation. I want compassion. I want companionship. I want commitment. No more lies. No more disrespect. No more cheating.
I don’t want to cry anymore at movies with otherwise happy endings because I am envious. I don’t want to cry when I hear songs on the radio that were obviously written with me in mind. But when I do cry, I want someone to know and understand why and tell me it is OK.
I am so bad at this dating thing. Here I am, 40 and alone in NYC. Who would have thought it? I don’t know how to date. I don’t know how to start something anymore. One wants more. One wants less. One want it slower. One wants it faster. Many want their cake and want to eat it too. If I am interested, they’re not. If they are interested, I’m not. They say all the right things, then do all the wrong things. Some do all the right things, but say nothing at all.
I want friends. I want my friends, his friends, our friends. I want dinner and socializing with couples… mature couples with ambitions, dreams, desires and interests.
I want sex. I want lots of sex. I want more than sex. I want passion and intimacy and I want it to be mutual.
OK, so maybe I do know what I want. And if I know what I want, why can’t I find it? It can’t always be them. It has to be me. What is wrong? And with each disappointment, comes an increase in velocity in my apparent downward spiral. I need to put the skids to that spiral this year. Maybe in 2007 I will get it right. It can’t get worse, so it has to get better. That’s something. Isn’t it?
I want so little. And I want it all. But I think I need therapy.